Elaine Poker-Yount, CDPPublished on How to Support Your People Living with Dementia When They See the World Differently
It’s quite common that people experiencing brain changes occasionally see the world a bit differently than we do. They can be time travelling; experiencing inner angst when things appear to be fine to us; convinced something is significantly different than we perceive it to be; or believe you to be doing, thinking or saying something offensive, or inappropriate. The options are limitless. However, their anxiety is real.
So, what do we do?
When that happens, give them a break. Give them the benefit of the doubt and choose to support them in that moment of distress versus arguing or fighting with them. And please, refrain from trying to reason with them because when these perspectives are happening, now is not the time to try and be right!
People living with dementia (PLwD) do see things differently.
We engage with most of our relationships in real time, with logic and common sense. The ability to recognize both time and logic becomes erratic and eventually lost, as dementia progresses. Healthy brains and unhealthy brains process data differently. Our perspectives are different and consequently, we ‘see’ things differently – all of us. We find ourselves arguing with someone we care for because they’re just not getting it. We’re expecting them to perceive and do things the way they always did, the way we do. But at that moment in time, their brain is showing them a picture and telling them a story. Who are we to tell them it’s not so? How does that help? Fact: it doesn’t.
Validation is key.
Validate what your partner is seeing and/or what they’re thinking. Connect to where their mind is and connect to the emotion they’re experiencing. Acknowledge that the situation is rough/bad or uncomfortable. Show empathy, not sympathy. Apologize that this is happening. “I’m so sorry you feel that way, I would never do anything to hurt you. Please forgive me.” “Oh, this IS terrible. I can’t imagine what that must be/feel like.” “You’re right, this is stupid. I’m so sorry this is happening.”
This validation shows support and secures trust. We’re letting them know that we understand what they’re going through and what they’re experiencing isn’t good. When the brain hears “I’m sorry” it takes a breath and says, “Oh, they get it!” No one wants someone to feel sorry for them. We want people to understand how we’re feeling.
Examples
In the case of people imagining other people are there and may do something harmful, (yes, this can be in the form of hallucinations) we stay the course. Telling them there is no one there, or “it’s going to be okay!” is NOT the answer. How many times have you felt better simply by someone else telling you it’s going to be okay?
Instead, go through the motions of getting rid of the people causing a problem. If imaginary strangers are in the house, open the door and tell them it’s time to go home. They are no longer welcome! Shoo them out. If someone believes there are people in the bushes looking into the house, go investigate. Ask your partner if they want to go with you. When you don’t see anyone, you can say, “we must have scared them away!” If they still ‘see’ someone when you get there, again tell those intruders you’re going to call the police, “get moving and get out! That’s right, keep walking; get out!” Close the blinds when you come back inside and let your person know you’ll keep them safe. If you validate their reality, likely, they’ll begin to join your journey as you work to rid the problem. These are very real examples.
Take the high road – it’s our job.
Ultimately, our job is to soothe, protect, and keep things calm. All of us with healthy brains can adapt and adopt new behaviors. Someone living with dementia likely doesn’t have that ability anymore. We need to be the change we want to see in those we care for – because we can change the narrative. It may not ‘feel’ comfortable to you, but effective care comes from practice when situations are new. When we know better, we do better. Try something new. Adjust your expectations and own them. You’ve got nothing to lose but much to gain – for everyone involved.
About the author
Elaine Poker-Yount
Elaine lives with dementia both professionally and personally. She has worked with the senior and Boomer population for 25 years and is passionate about helping everyone be successful as they age.
